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Things Agent Kentucky is no Longer Allowed to Do on the M.o.I.
The following list has been compiled out of the various requests made by officials ranging from service crew to the munitions inventory workers to the Director himself regarding special guidlines regarding agent Kentucky. As such, all directives below are to be treated as though the Director has given them, and followed to a T. The List: 1. Following the "Sooper Boomer" incident, Kentucky is barred from "borrowing" Georgia's armor ability unit. #Following the "Voltaic Detonator" incident, Kentucky is barred from "borrowing" Minnesota's armor ability unit. #Following the "Thunder Dome" incident, Kentucky is barred from "borrowing" Utah's armor ability unit. #Following the "Paradox Bomb" incident, Kentucky is barred from "borrowing" Wyoming's armor ability unit. #Let's just make it easy on everybody: Following the recent string of fuck-ups, Kentucky is barred from so much as holding any armor ability unit besides his own. #Following the "Warp Bomb" incident, Kentucky's armor ability unit is to be bolted onto his suit until further notice. 2. Kentucky is hereby banned from exiting his dorm room on April 1st. FOR ANY REASON. EVER. 3. To whomever allowed Kentucky to borrow a copy of Speed: we will find you. #On a semi-related note, Kentucky (As well as'' Speed 3'') is to be given conceptual credit if Nevada's "Deceleration Backfire" program proves to be a viable countermeasure against Insurrectionist capital ships. 4. Confetti is NOT an acceptable substitute for lockdown paint in a training scenario. #Neither is glitter. I don't care how well it sticks. #On a related note: Confetti is not an acceptable application of the motorpool's operation manuals. #Nor is it appropriate to rig a confetti/glitter spray to be fired whenever the leaderboard is altered. #Posession of confetti/glitter by agent Kentucky is now strictly prohibited. 5. Kentucky's utilizing the paint he obtained for purposes of "editing" his armor on other agent's armor is prohibited. #Especially if it's to paint a monocle, mustache, and bowler cap on agent Wyoming's visor. #ESPECIALLY if it's to paint a large smile and "Kawai eyes" on agent South Dakota's visor! #''ESPECIALLY if it's to paint the faces of Batman characters on ANYONE'S visor! 6. "Imma kill it" is not an acceptable plan of attack. #Neither is "punch it in the d**k." #Neither is "WAAAAAAAGH!" #Neither is "I'm gonna wreck it!" #Neither is "We'll break his legs!" 7. On a related note, ''demolishing the building does not equate with successfully exfiltrating the building, just because you "end up outside either way." 8. Experimentation on the "AN-D" line of custom explosives is to be halted until Kentucky can figure out how to make them stop objectifying the female agents. 9. Project Freelancer's motto is not "Fifty States of Cray-cray." #Neither is "Let's blow it up... FOR SCIENCE!" #Neither is "let's just throw Maine at it 'till it stops!" #Neither is "When in doubt, blame Utah." #Neither is "Ethics? The fuck are those?" #Neither is "Ker-blam it to the moon!" #Neither is "Crush the rebels!" #Neither is "Grunt-punters for life!" #Neither is "We've got boners for murder!" #Neither is "We're the Diet Spartans: all of the badass, none of the bullshit!" 10. Any time spent around the Mass Accelorator Canon by Kentucky is to be strictly supervised. Georgia does not count. #Neither does Utah. 11. Kentucky is hereby required to attend three one-hour tutoring sessions with agent York as to what "photo-bombing" is. 12. All fireworks displays henceforth are required to have a minimum fuse time of two minutes to ensure the adequate clearance between said displays and the sensors responsible for detecting incoming gunfire. Seriously. It's not that difficult to comprehend. #Also, it would be best if they didn't utilize Project Freelancer sponsored materiel in their construction. #Kentucky's "Big Red One-Finger Salute" rockets are hereby banned. 13. The Mother of Invention's ''drop-pod launchers are to be used for high-risk troop insertions. Pod are ''not ''under any circumstances to be filled with explosives and used as "Drop Bombs!" #On a related note, the pods are also not to be loaded with freelancer armor used for an "emergency transformation sequence" to combat petty crimes Kentucky happens to notice while on leave. #Kentucky is no longer allowed access to shojou manga, or Shazam/Captain Marvel comics. #Furthermore, drop pods are prohibited from being used to "make a cool entrance" to a planet's "Comicon" as the "Super Spartan Sentai." I am very dissapointed in York, Georgia, Utah, and Jersey for going along with this little stunt. 14. Henceforth, Agent Kentucky is not allowed out on Independence Day, or near any fireworks for two weeks in advance. 15. Henceforth, after the "Old Faithful Punch Incident", Agent Kentucky is not allowed to be in possession of Pop Rocks near Agent West Virginia's alcoholic punch. #Henceforth, Agent Kentucky is not allowed access to edible explosive material to be mixed with Pop Rocks. #Henceforth, Agent Kentucky is not allowed access to Pop Rocks. 16. Escape pods are not for "beer runs." Especially when they are incapable of re-entering orbit unassisted. 17. Whoever introduced Kentucky to this song will be held responsible for all crocodilian-related injuries. Especially to the alligator-like... thing that was hauled aboard the ship. #I currently have no idea who was responsible for bringing that... creature aboard, but from now on, endangered native species are not to be brought into the ship, live or dead. 18. Kentucky is henceforth banned from any and all joint operations involving extra-freelancer operatives with French accents, as well as those resembling them. #Furthermore, he is to be held accountable for ONI Informant Couteau's medical expenses. #Additionally, missions where there is an inherent risk of encountering civilian mimes are also off limits. 19. All specimens of the Covenant weapon known as the "Needler" captured for research purposes are to be kept in a separate container from Kentucky's personal "Fuel Rod Gun," on account of his disdain for needle ammunition due to his fruitless attempts to replicate it. #Furthermore, he is to immediately cease and desist painting captured "Plasma Grenades" green, sticking his emblem on them, and claiming he created them. It was funny only once. 20. Why. For the love of all things holy, ''why did somebody teach Kentucky how to teabag? 21. Agent Kentucky hereby has authorization to begin construction on the Mk I "Piglet" miniaturized force application vehicle, on the condition that he DOES NOT: #Attempt to attach a railgun to the secondary weapon platform. #Attempt to integrate ramjets/afterburners into the exhaust system. #Ever do a "Front-flip for style." #Install a horn that plays the first line of the refrain of "La Cucaracha." #Claim it as proof of "Busta" status. #Attempt to weld a severed Hunter arm to the secondary weapon platform. #Call it the "Cub," the "Calf," "Bigfoot Jr.," the "Uni-colt," the "Lepre-child," or the "Chupababy." 22. I know it's your fault, and I know you're reading this. Don't worry, I've already alerted the crew, they're on the lookout. In fact, South's already started cleaning the face off of her visor, and step five on the list has been updated. But let this be a lesson to all of you: NEVER allow Kentucky to read a copy of Batman, EVER. 23. Kentucky is no longer allowed near the MoI's navigation deck. Nor is he allowed acess to any literary works comprising The Cthulhu Mythos. '' #Furthermore, he is hereby required to attend regular counseling sessions until he is convinced that "Azathoth" is a purely fictional diety, and has never actually existed. #And that said diety ''certainly is not the Covenant "Queen Bee." Where the hell did he even come up with that!? #Or, at the very least, concede the fact that such an entity could not be destroyed by simply "Stuffing a MAC round of solid explodium down it's throat." 24. Kentucky is hereby barred from using the Danger Room to simulate beach parties. #Kentucky is hereby barred from using the Danger Room to simulate nightclubs #Kentucky is hereby barred from using the Danger Room to test out "zombie plans." #Kentucky is hereby barred from using the Danger Room to simulate the plots of action movies. #Kentucky is hereby barred from using the Danger Room to pretend to be an Attack on Titan character. I don't particularly care if you think explosives could have saved everyone, you're being dumb. #Kentucky is hereby barred from using the Danger Room to simulate the background of this music video. #Kentucky is hereby barred from using the Danger Room to simulate this drink. 25. Kentucky is hereby banned from attempting to create a "Dino-splosion" as dipicted in said music video. #Well, al least we don't have to worry about that crocadilian anymore. #That said, Kentucky is hereby required to clean up the remains of said creature. 26. Kentucky is hereby reminded that fraternization with other agents is discouraged, and at the very least must be properly disclosed to project command structure via Personel Disclosure Form 4C-II. #It should be noted that "proper disclosure" is only ensured by the filling out of said form, and that waking up half of C-deck by yelling the word "boom" at the top of his lungs in the dead of night is NOT an acceptable alternative. #It's also ''really ''fucking creepy. So quit it! 27. Use of the Jump Drive armor enhancement to perform "Slenderkent" impressions are NOT appreciated by the more easily startled crewmen! 28. Kentucky is hereby required to stop planting "lantern corps. rings" among the belongings of other crewmembers. We're gettin' real tired of it. #On a related note, Kentucky is to be made to realize that his particular combination of armor colors does NOT mean he has access to unlimited power. #Additionally, "explosion" is not a color. Nor is it an emotion. 29. It turns out that Kentucky's Glue Grenades are NOT a pure novelty item, and are indeed a viable battlefield technology for immobilization of hostile soldiers without worrying about requiring lockdown receptors. As such, Kentucky will be required to transfer all specimens of said device from his personal quarters and into the weapons armory. 30. Kent is encouraged to build landmine designs for Project Freelancer use. That said, the current proposed design is unacceptable. An above-ground, pizza-sized anti-tank mine that has a bright-red warning light on the top does not make for an effective trap. #I don't care how effective the blast is if it never happens. 31. Kentucky is hereby prohibited from selling video recordings of physical altercations between Agents New Jersey and Colorado. #Kentucky is hereby prohibited from tossing a fish between the two in hopes of triggering one of these "cat fights." That joke was bad, and you should feel bad. #He is also hereby baned from passing out popcorn during any potential confrontation between Carolina, Virginia, and/or South Dakota. 32. Kentucky is hereby prohibited from possession of the works of "D.J. Mix-a-lot." #Kentucky is hereby prohibited from using the phase "You/she got back." 33. Kentucky is hereby ordered to cease his attempts to build a gravilty-hammer/grenade-launcer hybrid weapon. we only have so many alien warhammers laying around in storage. 34. Agent Kentucky is hereby ordered to stop harassing medic Killian to "stop screwin' around an invent my superpowers, already!" #Additionally, medic Killian is no longer allowed to promise superpowers in order to get someone to stop bugging him. Even if it was meant in sarcasm. Category:Kentucky Category:Lists Category:Prohibitions